Sarah Palin's Batshit Crazy Word Salad At CPAC: Dr. Seuss, Big Gulps, And Fritos

UPDATE: I meant to mention that moose hunter Sarah Palin's exit music tonight was Titanium, a global EDM smash sung by Sia Furler, an openly bisexual, liberal, vegan, animal rights activist who has appeared in ads for PETA. Furler used to date JD Samson, a member of the lesbian/feminist/electroclash band Le Tigre, and once expressed her desire to gay-marry Samson. Perhaps worst of all, she's a foreigner. I'm sure Palin's handlers didn't know that. You betcha!

Coulter At CPAC: Immigration Is Like Rape

"This isn’t natural. You have, especially on places like my favorite network, for humor, is MSNBC — and you know, they’re sneering, 'Oh, Republicans just have to get used to it, the country is changing.' No, this isn’t a natural process. It’s like you’re being raped and the guy is telling you, ‘Sorry, my penis is in you. Nothing you can do about it.’ No, you're raping me! There is nothing natural about it!" - Ann Coulter, speaking today at a CPAC press conference with Phyllis Schlafly.

Rand Paul Wins CPAC 2014 Straw Poll

Totally predictable.

Sen. Rand Paul demolished his competition in the 2014 Washington Times/CPAC presidential preference straw poll on Saturday, winning 31 percent of the vote -- nearly three times the total of second-place Sen. Ted Cruz. Mr. Cruz's 11 percent was still a big improvement for the freshman senator, who won just 4 percent in last year's straw poll. Neurosurgeon Ben Carson was third with 9 percent and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was fourth with 8 percent in results that signal growing discontent with the GOP establishment in Washington. Indeed, CPAC voters now have an unfavorable view of Republicans in Congress, with 51 percent saying they disapprove of the job the GOP is doing on Capitol Hill. Just last year the GOP had a 54 percent approval rating, and in 2012 they held a 70 percent approval rating.

The previous seven CPAC straw poll winners: Romney, Romney, Romney, Ron Paul, Romney, Rand Paul. All winners, people.

UPDATE: The full list of results.

CPAC Teabagger Photoshop Selfie

Pet Shop Boys Turn Panti Bliss Speech Into Dance Track: The Best Gay Possible

Simple, spare, and leaves the speech intact. Love it.

Ben Carson At CPAC: I Never Compared Gay Marriage To Pedophilia And Bestiality Even Though Millions Saw Me Say That On Sean Hannity's Fox News Show

Tea Party hero Ben Carson took the CPAC stage this afternoon to wild applause and the waving of "Carson 2016" placards. In his twenty-minute speech (excerpted below by Right Wing Watch), Carson referenced last year's flap in which he compared same-sex marriage to pedophilia and bestiality. According to Carson today, he never did that. Here's the exact quote from his March 27th, 2013 appearance on Fox News:

"My thoughts are that marriage is between a man and a woman. It's a well-established, fundamental pillar of society and no group, be they gays, be they NAMBLA, be they people who believe in bestiality. It doesn't matter what they are. They don't get to change the definition."

For somebody who never said that, the result was pretty interesting: two public apologies and several canceled speaking gigs. I guess we're all, as Carson said today, "dummies."

Crazy Eyes Attacks Hillary At CPAC

Caption This

A couple of days ago I posted a portion of the anti-GOProud flyer being handed out at CPAC by the red-caped Catholic loons of Tradition, Family, and Property. Above is the full cartoon that was used on the flyer, in which we see that the GOProud rainbow beaver is gnawing on Ronald Reagan's stool. Make your jokes accordingly.

Christians Need To Be Meaner About Gays

"It’s time to pull the curtain on this wizard, folks. Homosexuality itself is wrong. The constructed identity of being 'gay' is harmful and should not be considered a worthy defense in light of reality. The evidence clearly points to the truth that everyone is intrinsically a heterosexual. We need to have the guts to stand up and say so. Our defense should not be because we Christians just hope to somehow preserve narrow rights over here in our holy huddle. It’s because homosexuality is unnatural and unnecessary, and the harm its advocacy is doing to our culture is apparent to anyone with half a brain, even atheists. Confusion abounds only because we won’t state the obvious. And this doesn’t even begin to cover the lunacy of 'transgendered' behavior. Just as we understand race to be a neutral, unchanging characteristic, rational thought arrives at the conclusion that homosexuality is neither. This recognition just confirms facts and is not hateful but helpful to others. Pull back this curtain. Expose the truth, because it’s a positive one." - Hate group leader Linda Harvey, writing for World Net Daily.

Update On Mars Hill Scandal

Details.

Seen At CPAC

Palin Previews Tonight's CPAC Speech

Via Mediaite:

Ahead of her closing address at the Conservative Political Action Conference Saturday, Sarah Palin went on Fox News with Greta Van Susteren to preview what she plans to say to the conservative crowd. She promised an “optimistic” message that looks to this year’s midterm elections as a positive opportunity for the right. Palin argued that Obamacare does not need to be “fixed” but should be fully repealed, saying, “it needs to be killed now.” She criticized the majority of Republicans for failing to defund the law. “They balked,” she said, citing only Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and a handful of others who “stood strong on what they had at their fingertips to defund.” Later, Palin weighed in the media’s reluctance to give her credit for anticipating Vladimir Putin’s move into Ukraine. Despite her current media tour, she said there will be “no victory lap” because “you don’t interrupt someone when they are in the process of destroying their own credibility.”

Rand Paul's Spaceship Lands At CPAC

Freep This AFA Poll

Even though most of us probably wouldn't know who Jason Collins is either, we're going to say "YES" just to fuck with them again. (Tipped by JMG reader Bill)

Lyin' Ryan Busted Lyin' At CPAC

"The left is making a big mistake here. What they’re offering people is a full stomach and an empty soul. The American people want more than that. This reminds me of a story I heard from Eloise Anderson. She serves in the cabinet of my buddy, Governor Scott Walker. She once met a young boy from a very poor family, and every day at school, he would get a free lunch from a government program. He told Eloise he didn’t want a free lunch. He wanted his own lunch, one in a brown-paper bag just like the other kids. He wanted one, he said, because he knew a kid with a brown-paper bag had someone who cared for him. This is what the left does not understand." - GOP Rep. Paul Ryan, speaking yesterday at CPAC.

Calling Ryan's claim "a story too good to check," the Washington Post reveals that the whole thing is a big ole lie that was probably lifted from the 2011 book, The Invisible Thread, a suspicion first voiced by Wonkette. The Post then gives Ryan "Four Pinocchios" - its lyingest rating for liars. Ryan has apologized in a Facebook post.

Today at CPAC, I shared a story I heard from Eloise Anderson, the secretary for children and families for the state of Wisconsin. She mentioned it in her testimony for a House Budget Committee hearing last year. I have just learned that Secretary Anderson misspoke, and that the story she told was improperly sourced. I regret failing to verify the original source of the story, but I appreciate her taking the time to share her insights.

Of course the lie already has legs on wingnut sites like the National Review.

It should be noted that the author of the book is actually an advocate of school lunch programs who works with a group called No Kid Hungry.

PUERTO RICO: Anti-Gay GOP Pol Comes Out Three Years After Grindr Scandal

Longtime JMG readers might remember the above post from three years ago. Well, that douchebag has finally come out after having led the unsuccessful campaign to place a ban on same-sex marriage into the Puerto Rican constitution. Video via Andres Duque at Blabbeando:

RELATED:  According to a 2011 JMG source, Arango not only supported that failed constitutional ban, he once mocked another legislator by squeezing a rubber duck at him on the Senate floor. In Puerto Rico, the Spanish word for duck means "queer" or "faggot." In 2009, Arango defended an attempt to ban gay adoption.

INDIANA: Marriage Lawsuit Filed

Add Indiana to the list.

Four couples from southern Indiana are asking a federal judge to force the state to recognize same-sex marriages from other states and issue marriage licenses to gay couples. The couples are suing the state of Indiana in a lawsuit filed Friday in federal court in New Albany that seeks to overturn an Indiana law that declares same-sex marriages void, even if another state recognizes the union. The plaintiffs and their attorneys met with reporters Friday afternoon in Louisville, Ky., and said the recent debate over a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban same-sex marriage in Indiana spurred their suit.

That leaves eight states without an active marriage lawsuit: Alaska, Georgia, Kansas, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, and South Dakota.

UPDATE: More about the lawsuit.

Louisville law firm Clay Daniel Walton & Adams announced the lawsuit today at its offices. The lawsuit was filed in Southern District of Indiana, which has a courthouse in New Albany. The couples are from Clark and Floyd counties and it's the only such federal case involving Indiana. Attorney Daniel Canon said during a media conference Friday that Indiana is now under leadership that says his clients do not deserve the same rights, responsibilities and privileges provided to opposite-sex couples, simple because they are in a same-sex relationships. “All of these couples that we represent are like any other opposite-sex couples in the state of Indiana,” he said. “They live as married couples. They raise their kids together. They work and go to church in Indiana. They pay their taxes in the state of Indiana.”

Film Critic Michael Medved At CPAC: Gay Marriage Has Never Been Banned

I'm watching the live-stream on CSPAN and almost fell out of my chair when he said that. Medved made news in 2010 when he declared that lesbian sex is better than gay male sex because it hurts to take it in the ass.

UPDATE: Here's the video. It's a liberal lie!

Porno Pete: The Hot Bods On Those Juicy Muscular Circuit Boys Are Simply Ridic!

(Via Towleroad)

Ted Cruz At CPAC: Some People Wish Justin Bieber And I Would Self-Deport

Huckabee At CPAC: God Will Destroy America Like Sodom & Gomorrah

Huckabee says that since God himself created the United States, he will certainly murder all 300 million of us if we don't repent. Because he loves us so fucking much.

CPAC M4M #4

"Me: masculine, 6ft, 235, curly short blonde, hzl eyes, German Irish, 7.5 thick cut 6 around. You: trim 18-29, no older, no experience needed. Must send pic, yours gets mine. Love cum. Hottub. I can host, have parking, near King and Braddock metros." - Craigslist DC M4M.

MICHIGAN: Marriage Case Concludes

Oliver North At CPAC: Fighting Gay Marriage Is Like Fighting Against Slavery

With a slam at the repeal of DADT: "The members of our armed forces and their families deserve better than to be treated like laboratory rats in some social experiment." So says the guy who secretly sold US weaponry to Iran.

Brian Brown: No More Marriage #Fails

"Despite being grammatically incorrect, our culture has officially made the verb 'fail' into a noun, and the expression seems here to stay. It pops up on social media all the time: a major political gaffe or celebrity embarrassment, for example, is labeled a major #fail, as occurred at the recent Oscar ceremony with John Travolta's unfortunate pronunciation of artist Idina Menzel's name. Well, just a few days ago we witnessed a huge #fail of much more consequence in our national public discourse on marriage and religious liberty. Over the past two weeks media elites, politicians, activists, and opinion writers were climbing over one another to reach the heights of histrionics in their expression of hatred for a bill in Arizona: SB 1062, a bill that aimed to clarify the state's existing statutory religious liberty protections. We deserve better from our public officials — and we must demand it. The time has come to stand up and speak out. Write a letter to the editor, call your local station's news hotline, visit your federal legislator's local district offices. Most importantly, ask your elected officials what their position on marriage is and then hold them accountable! These are the grassroots actions we need more and more citizens to start doing so that we can turn our public discourse from a major #fail to a big #win!" - Hate group leader Brian Brown, posting today to NOM's blog.

Barber On Gay Marriage Consummation

How Seattle Pastor Mark Driscoll Bought His Way Onto The NYT Bestsellers List

Via the Christian site World Magazine:

Seattle’s Mars Hill Church paid a California-based marketing company at least $210,000 in 2011 and 2012 to ensure that Real Marriage, a book written by Mark Driscoll, the church’s founding pastor, and his wife Grace, made the New York Times best-seller list. According to a document obtained by WORLD, ResultSource Inc. (RSI) contracted with Mars Hill “to conduct a bestseller campaign for your book, Real Marriage on the week of January 2, 2012. The bestseller campaign is intended to place Real Marriage on The New York Times bestseller list for the Advice How-To list.” The marketing company also promised to help place Real Marriage on the Wall Street Journal Business, USA Today Money, BN.com (Barnes & Noble), and Amazon.com best-seller lists.

More from Warren Throckmorton, who has the contract:

Note that RSI uses “over a thousand different payment types” to evade detection. Somehow RSI knows that the NYT bestseller list “requires a minimum of 90 geographically disperse (sic) addresses.” Apparently, the publisher must be on board with this arrangement as well since the contract requires the publisher to supply the proper number of books. I have asked Harper Collins Christian for comment but they have not replied as yet. The names and addresses are apparently very important in making sure that these purchases escape detection by those who compile the best seller lists.

Mars Hill defends its cheating this way: "We want to tell lots of people about Jesus by every means available."

PREVIOUSLY ON JMG: In Januaray, Driscoll declared that all non-Christians are going to hell. Last November, Driscoll was busted for plagiarizing other pastors in his latest book in a scandal that was heavily covered on Christian websites. In 2011 Driscoll declared that male masturbation is a form of homosexuality because it is sex with a man.

Rick Perry Rants At CPAC Day Two

Outgoing Texas Gov. Rick Perry opened today's CPAC session with an eleven minute rant that got rantier and rantier as he ranted, in an obvious move to set the stage for his 2016 presidential bid. Start near the end at 10:00. And the crowd goes wild.

BRITAIN: Queen Elizabeth Congratulates Gay Charity On Its 40th Anniversary

Gay Star News reports:

Queen Elizabeth II has praised a gay charity, in what is believed to be her first ever comment about the LGBTI community. In her 62-year reign of the UK and the Commonwealth, she has never once visited or become a patron of a charity for gay rights. And even in reforming laws for the community, such as when homosexuality was decriminalized or same-sex marriage in England and Wales passed into law, the words ‘gay’, ‘lesbian’, ‘bisexual’, and ‘transgender’ have never been reported as crossing the lips of the reigning monarch. But in a first, the Queen has praised the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard on its 40th birthday. She said: ‘Best wishes and congratulations to all concerned on this most special anniversary.’

Prime Minister David Cameron and London Mayor Boris Johnson also congratulated the charity.

CPAC M4M #3

"Patriots! What an incredible day today was! Christie and Jindal and some great sessions. I am ready to unwind and have some fun. I am looking to make one of my biggest fantasies come true. Me: Police Uniform. You: Army Uniform. I want you to bring a couple other guys for this fantasy too! We begin by you storming into my room with the other guys. The other guys will proceed to beat me (paddles, whips, floggers is up to them! or be creative ;-)  After I have been beaten, I want you to threaten my life and tell me that I am going to die for what I did. I got a nerf gun for this fantasy and I want you to blindfold me and place a garbage can next to me. Here is the most important part...  Shoot the nerf gun at the garbage can and NOT me. I want to feel like you are going to shoot me but at the last moment you do not. It may seem like a crazy fantasy but we all have our kinks. Afterwards we can hj, bj and a2m." - Craiglist DC M4M.

Young Turks Vs Pastor James Manning

"He's all about that frontal assault."

WASHINGTON: Fired Catholic School Vice President Mark Zmuda To File Lawsuit

The Seattle-area Catholic high school vice president who was fired for marrying his partner will file a lawsuit today.

Mark Zmuda alleges, in his filing, that the decision to terminate his employment at the Sammamish prep school was made by Catholic Archbishop J. Peter Sartain. The school acknowledges that Eastside Catholic president Sr. Mary Tracy discussed the case with Sartain. “Our attorneys will immediately file a motion to dismiss the compaint,” Tom Padilla and Brad Bastion, acting chairs of the Eastside Catholic board, said in a letter to the school community. The Catholic Church opposes marriage equality and has a provision in educators’ contracts that provides for adherence to church teachings. According to filings from both sides in the case, Eastside Catholic knew in January of 2013 that Zmuda was gay.

According to Zmuda, the school told him that he could keep his job by getting a divorce. Which is also against Catholic teachings. His firing resulted in an outpouring of support from the school's students.

MICHIGAN: Marriage Lawsuit "Expert Witness" Says Gays Are Going To Hell

Testimony in Michigan's marriage equality finished yesterday, but not before one "expert witness" told the court that gays are going to hell.

"Is it accurate that you believe the consequence of engaging in homosexual acts is a separation from God and eternal damnation?” Mogill asked the state’s expert, then added, “in other words, they’re going to hell?” “Without repentance, yes,” answered the expert, Canadian economist Douglas Allen, the last witness to testify on behalf of the state in a trial that could make Michigan the 18th state to legalize gay marriage. A spokeswoman for Michigan Attorney General Bill Schuette, who is defending the voters’ decision in 2004 to define marriage as being between one man and one woman, said Allen’s religious beliefs do not taint his testimony. “The trial ended on Dr. Allen’s comment that the science on this remains unsettled,” said Joy Yearout. “He was very clear that his personal beliefs have no impact on his research or the data it produces.”

I wrote about Allen last November.

Another familiar name on Michigan's list of defense witnesses is Professor Douglas Allen, of Canada's Simon Fraser University. Allen sits on the board of directors of NOM's hate-satellite, the Ruth Institute. Allen is a supporter of Mark Regnerus and claims to have analyzed a 2000 census and come to the conclusion that "children being raised by same-sex couples are 35% less likely to make normal progress through school."

Last month the SPLC added the Ruth Institute to its list of hate groups. Closing arguments in the Michigan case will take place today. The judge is not expected to rule immediately.

Trump: I Was Joking About Jimmy Carter

Uh huh. Yeah.

TRAILER: Stage Fright

"A horror musical set at drama camp."

Super Cool WTC Interactive Panorama

TIME Magazine has posted a ridiculously cool interactive panorama photo taken from above the World Trade Center. Using your cursor and the on-screen controls, you can spin around in all directions and zoom in on midtown, Brooklyn, New Jersey, even the Statue of Liberty. I'm finding it works best on Chrome so far. There goes the next hour of your evening.

Here's how they did it.

Time said it got exclusive access to the tower's spire from the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which owns the site. It took eight months to design and construct a 13-foot rotating arm to which a camera with a 100-millimeter lens was mounted, the magazine said on its website. It worked on the project with Portland, Ore.-based GigaPan Systems, mechanical engineers and welders. "Over a five-hour span of orbital shooting on Sept. 28, 2013, the camera produced 567 pictures that were then stitched together digitally into a single massive — and zoomable — image of everything the eye can see in all directions," according to the website. According to GigaPan, its panoramic photography equipment is based on the same technology employed by NASA's Mars rovers to capture the images of the red planet. The panoramic image also is featured as a wrap-around cover of Time's issue hitting newsstand Friday. The issue includes an article about the 12-year construction of the building, formerly called the Freedom Tower.

CPAC Flyer For Red-Caped Catholic Loons Depicts GOProud As Rainbow Beaver

The red-caped Catholic loons of Tradition, Family, & Property are handing out a flyer at CPAC that depicts GOProud as a rainbow-hued beaver gnawing at one of the supporting legs of conservatism. Or something. Via Peter Montgomery at Right Wing Watch:

TFP’s flyer says it protests against GOProud’s efforts to “cast itself as a bone fide member of the conservative movement.” TFP believes: "To be true to itself, the conservative movement must battle on all three conservative fronts (defense, fiscal, and social). That individuals and organizations who subscribe to only one or two of the conservative movement’s three legs are still welcome to join the coalition, but should refrain from publicly opposing the rest of the movement’s efforts on the leg or legs they disagree on." TFP says welcoming GOProud into the conservative movement would be like a communist or socialist organization seeking admittance to the conservative movement by claiming to be against abortion. As part of the evidence that TFP marshals to prove that GOProud is not conservative, it notes that the group’s website says it encourages “committed stable, relationships between two people, regardless of sexual orientation, that promote healthy families and create value within our society.” Mercy!

After two years of being banned, this year GOProud was able to buy regular tickets to attend, but they were not allowed to speak on any panels or have a booth. 

Minority Outreach Panel At CPAC

Donald Trump Kills Jimmy Carter

UPDATE: Zombie Jimmy Carter is pissed.

IRS Posts Help Video For Married Gays

Via press release from the White House:

The Internal Revenue Service released a new YouTube video designed to provide useful tax tips to married same-sex couples. The new video, less than two minutes long, is available in English, Spanish and American Sign Language and can be accessed via IRS.gov. It joins an array of online products, including answers to frequently-asked questions, designed to help same-sex couples file their federal income tax returns. Following last summer’s Supreme Court decision invalidating a key provision of the Defense of Marriage Act, the IRS ruled that same-sex couples, legally married in jurisdictions that recognize their marriages, are now treated as married for federal tax purposes. The ruling applies to all federal tax provisions where marriage is a factor, including filing status, claiming personal and dependency exemptions, taking the standard deduction, employee benefits, contributing to an IRA and claiming the earned income tax credit or child tax credit.

OHIO: Cops Help Church Stage Arrests Of Pastors Because Religious Liberty

Via the Associated Press:

The staged arrests of pastors in front of their congregations in northeast Ohio got a surprising reaction for one sheriff. Videos of the mock arrests posted online brought a wave of criticism for the Summit County Sheriff’s office from people who thought the deputies really were interrupting church services to make arrests. Sheriff Steve Barry says his deputies took part in the mock arrests Sunday at a couple churches around Akron after the pastors approached his office and asked it to participate. The churches staged the arrests as part of their “Defending the Faith” sermons. Videos showed deputies handcuffing pastors while they preached and placing them in patrol car.

Via Friendly Atheist:

Do you have any idea how oppressed and persecuted American Christians are? So oppressed and persecuted that in order to prove it, pastors in Ohio called the local cops and requested to be taken into custody in front of their congregations. You heard right. The histrionic clergymen staged mock arrests — with the help of publicly funded police officers no less — to drive home how severely their Jesus faith has come under attack.Putting on a stage play is one thing. But that church officials are reduced to staging arrests by bad-guy cops (who clearly represent the long arm of government) is the best illustration yet of how absolutely deranged the Christian persecution narrative has become.

Needless to say, no American pastor has ever been arrested except for the usual reasons. You know, child fucking, child porn, rape, murder, drug dealing, domestic abuse, and stealing shitloads of money. And those links are just from the last month.

From the Ohio church's YouTube channel.

NIGERIA: Four Men Lashed In Court After Sharia Conviction Of Homosexuality

The Associated Press reports that four men were lashed in a Nigeria courtroom today after a Sharia tribunal convicted them of homosexual acts.

The four were among dozens caught in a wave of arrests after Nigeria strengthened its criminal penalties for homosexuality with the new Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act in January. The men could face further violence in prison if human rights organizations do not come up with an additional fine of 20,000 naira ($120) each meted out Thursday by a judge in Bauchi city, Dorothy Aken’Ova, convenor of the Coalition for the Defense of Sexual Rights Network, told The Associated Press. The four were sentenced to 15 strokes plus a year’s imprisonment if they cannot pay their fines. Aken’Ova said the men, aged between 20 and 22, should not have been convicted because their confessions were forced by law agents who beat them. She said they had to lie on the floor of the court to be whipped on their backsides.

The Sharia court system runs parallel to civil courts in northern Nigeria, where Islamic law decrees that gays can be sentenced to death by public stoning. Such executions have not yet been reported.

Freep This AFA Poll

The American Family Association wants the top result to be "religious liberty," of course. So let's all just click on "other" to fuck with them. The last three times we freeped an AFA poll, they changed the words, reset the numbers, and eventually just took the polls down.