Saturday, November 11, 2006

A Day At The Mall

Left, I contemplate the weighty issues of the land, standing before the U.S. Supreme Court. My feeble brain seized upon no brilliance, but blue skies, 75 degrees (!), and the company of good friends made a glorious, if surprisingly contemplative and reverent Veteran's Day on the Mall.

The Farmboyz and I visited all the monuments, including the WWII and Korean War sites, which were new to me. Thousands of vets were on hand, as well as active duty soldiers. We caught a huge event at the Vietnam Memorial as well as a protest against the Chinese government at the Capitol. And as I usually do, I forced a quick run through the Air & Space Museum.

Blowoff Tonight

I'm down in DC with Aaron, Eddie and the Farmboyz, gearing up for what looks to be a very happy installment of Blowoff at 9:30 Club. (Check out the as-always hot artwork on the flyer, by Linus Garsys.) I think the entire blue nation might be getting their drink on tonight.

We had a stupidly long drive down from NYC in Farmboy C's Prius, thanks to traffic jams that we drove right into, despite the text message advice of Jeff and George, who were on the road an hour ahead of us. Six hours! Oy!

Friday, November 10, 2006

HomoQuotable - Jones Vs. Haggard

"I don't understand it. It would be like having Murderer's Pride Day." - Ted Tina Haggard, commenting on gay pride parades in 1996. (via Salon.com)

"It probably didn't hurt that I am pretty well endowed." - Mike Jones, when asked what Haggard had liked the most about him. (via RadarOnline.com)

In the Radar interview, Jones says that while plenty of strangers have offered him congratulations for exposing Haggard, he's also been receiving threats and that the number of gay political organizations that have reached out to him is "zero". Read the interview.

I'm wondering if we shouldn't start a PayPal account for everybody's favorite hooker and give Mike Jones a nice little Xmas fund. Ideas?

Mary "Arthur" Poppins

Here's a happy singalong for your festive Friday! Even I know the tune to this one. Now, everybody! Follow the bouncing crack pipe!

SUPERTELEVANGELISTIC SEX-AND-DRUGS PSYCHOSIS

(Lyrics by M. Spaff Sumsion)

I used to be a master of the anti-gay crusade
Until a butch disaster blew my pastor masquerade
But if it's true I'm pounding more than pulpits, don't blame me
It's 'cause I caught my hooker-tweaker-stud's infirmity

It's
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Worse than plague and bird flu crossed with osteoporosis
We were playing doctor and he gave this diagnosis:
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

I found the perfect therapist - the kind that gives massage
I like to drive my Escort and I park in his garage
I swear he only serves me crank when all his coke is gone
And then he helps me straighten out my Peter, James, and John

Blame
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
That's my greatest guilty pleasure next to Guns N' Roses
Good thing there's no ban on it in all the books of Moses
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

It seems all pious public figures bugger on the sly
But Jesus loved republicans and sinners; so must I
Say "Holy moley, Mister Foley! That boy's underage!"
But I believe the congressman has turned another page

Oh!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Next time, better cut me off at handshakes and Mimosas
No more meth or men for me (at least in overdoses)!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis!

(Email your appreciation to the author: Spaff@spaff.com)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Ethel Mehlman

Last night on Larry King, Bill Maher outed Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman (pictured, singing along to the cast album of Gypsy, in his closet). Yawn. Old news, Bill. But King professed to have never heard about Mehlman.

King: I never heard that. I'm walking around in a fog. I never...Ken Mehlman? I never heard that. But the question is...

Maher: Maybe you don't go to the same bathhouse I do, Larry.

Maher said he will out "a couple of big people" on his HBO show on Friday night (tomorrow). Is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

Open Thread Thursday

It's all whole new ball game. Go ahead. Celebrate.
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Labels:


Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Rumsfeld Quits

I don't think my heart can take any more good news, I really don't. Seriously, nobody has to get me anything for xmas this year, I'm good. Maybe for next xmas, too. If somebody would just out Karl Rove today, there would be a small explosion in Manhattan, which would be my head.

UPDATE: As contrast to today's jubilation, consider my post on Election Day 2004.

"Tonight, I'm sucking one THIS big!"

Florida Homo-Elect Charlie Crist, celebrates. The closeted Repub guv-to-be said, "Tonight we all came together as one, just like like that time at the Folsom after-party!" Executive offices are quickly being redecorated in Tallahassee as local paint stores report a run on aubergine, eggshell and seafoam. Crist has already begun cruising for Florida's Director of Homeland Security. "No fats, no fems, no total bottoms!"

Madame Speaker

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), my Congresswoman when I lived in San Francisco, is expected to become our first female Speaker of the House. Two heartbeats away from the presidency, a San Francisco liberal Democrat will be running Congress. We could be looking at an entirely female-led government, cum 2008. And I for one, welcome our new overlord.

Santorums Forced To Sell Daughter

Garsh, Mr. Santorum, I'm so sorry to post this picture of your family at this terrible time, but I was fucking my dog just now and I sorta lost my head. (Photo via Chris Glass.)

Treats

Who's a happy country then?

Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Biscuits for everybody. Montana, Virginia, your biscuits are pending. Arizona, you get all the biscuits you want.

UPDATE: Montana, Virgina: Your biscuit buffet is now open.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

What's That On My Sheets?

It sure ain't Santorum!!!

CBS News just called it. Santorum has lost.

(Begins happy dance.)

Stressed

I think I may just make myself sick from worrying about this damn election. I can't remember when I have stressed and plotzed like this. It sure ain't helping my aching back, that's for sure. And on THAT topic, a little note to the Duane Reade drugstore at 72nd & 1st: Why, oh WHY do you stock the back pain relief medications on the BOTTOM shelf, 2 inches off the floor? Do you think that's funny? I mean, I guess it IS funny, kinda...but not when it's MY back. Machts nichts anyhow, since the doc came through for me. And since I can't drink tonight, maybe I'll just treat myself to one muscle relaxer per Senate seat won by the Dems. By the end, I'll be like Molly Ringwald's sister at her wedding in Sixteen Candles. I hope.

UPDATE: Citing widespread voter suppression incidents today, MoveOn.org is offering $250,000 reward for information leading to the conviction of those involved in an "organized effort of partisan voter suppression or electronic voting fraud." Here we go.

Joel Seah



While in Maine last month, I met artist Joel Seah, part of whose work Yankee Queer (above) recasts the images and messages sent to him by men on Manhunt.net. Seah's man-moths, complete with lurid species names directly taken from their emails to him (Partyan Dplay, Whiteon Lyplease), are fascinating. Joel is an Assistant Professor of Art, Printmaking and Drawing at the University of Southern Maine. Joel says about Maine, "In a place where the iconoclastic straight men from the gay erotic canon are naturally positioned - the woodsman, the hunter, the outdoorsman, the sailor, the fisherman - language is occupied to portray both fantasies and realities." I found Joel's work beautiful and haunting. I expect we'll be hearing more from Joel Seah.

Marlin Beach Pool Bar

After seeing last week's post about the late Marlin Beach Hotel, a reader sent me this scan of one of the hotel's postcards, circa 1960's, before the place turned gay. (Embiggen makey pretty.) You can see the windows into the pool that I mentioned. The text on the back of the postcard reads: "The Marlin Beach Hotel - This is an actual picture of two of the underwater ballerinas, as seen through the windows of the famous Jules Verne Room, one of Florida's unique attractions." In 1990, a fire in the bar caused the pool windows to melt, ruining the disco, which never reopened. I forgot to mention in the previous post that the Marlin closed t-dance every day with Connie Francis' Where The Boys Are. Thanks for the email, Richard!

Polling Station

This morning I voted for the third year in a row at the Jewish senior center on the end of my block. As usual, the place was a confusing madhouse of directional signs and vigorously waving old ladies. They get quite anxious if you slow the process or walk aimlessly once you get your booth assignment.

"This way! This way! There are people behind you!"

I love the old ladies that work my polling station. Half of them are timid, flustered little birds who seem ready to collapse from nervousness. The other half are loud-mouthed, brazen, old biddies with whiskey-soaked voices who probably used to be drill sargents. Those are the ones I love the most. One of them saw me hesitate at the entrance.

"Sweetheart, don't block da doe-ah," she barked. She was wearing a rhinestone American flag pin and about two feet of shellacked platinum hair. She took my elbow and guided/pulled me to the proper booth. Sixty seconds later I was almost out the door when she spotted another hestitant voter, wavering, trying to figure out where to turn.

"Sweetheart, don't block da doe-ah!"

There aren't many old men among the volunteers at the senior center where I vote. I suppose the old ladies have outlived most of them. Be nice to your polling station volunteers today. And thank them.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Kodos


From last night's Simpsons episode, Treehouse Of Horror, 2006. Another typically Simpsonian dig on the Bush regime.

Midday View - Grace Building

I got this shot last week on my lunch hour, which I occasionally spend in Bryant Park across from this, the W.R. Grace Building on 42nd Street. Designed by Gordon Bunshaft, the 50-story Grace is a virtual double of the Solow Building on 57th Street, another Bunshaft creation. It may be a bit difficult to detect at this front-on angle, but the defining characteristic of both buildings are their lovely sloping fronts. I've always wondered if one could step out of one of the upper windows and slide down the front. Built in '71, the Grace is one of the few "newer" buildings in Midtown that I really admire.

HomoQuotable - Betty Bowers

"If Haggard's unblinking congregation could sit and listen to such a liturgical Liberace week after week and not realize they were in the presence of someone who makes Barry Manilow in a full-length mink look butch, they really need to recalibrate their ability to detect prescription-strength doses of flamboyance." - Betty Bowers, "America's Best Christian". Read the rest of Betty's hilarious piece.

Tweaker Ted's Monday

9:00 AM - Reads New Testament. Focuses on parts about redemption. Tries not to think about sweaty mansex.

9:15 AM - Does huge bump of tina. Alphabetizes CD collection . Allen (Peter), Almond (Marc), Aviance (Kevin).....

10:00 AM - Tries not to think about hot sweaty mansex. Fails. Masturbates.

10:05 AM - Does huge bump of tina. Reverse alphabetizes CD collection. Young (Will), Wainwright (Rufus), Tourette (Pussy).....

10:45 AM - Masturbates. Thinks about hot sweaty mansex. Especially hot sweaty mansex with muscle daddy hooker Mike Jones and his sweet, sweet can.

11:00 AM - Back to the Bible. Focuses on part about judging. Laughs and laughs and laughs.

11:30 AM - Does huge bump of tina. Decides to clean garage. Alphabetizes tools. Allen wrench. Bolt cutters. Remembers Allen. Met him at The Bolt. Hot man. Does huge bump of tina.

1:00 PM - Decides to compose another letter to congregation. Writes down keywords: repulsive, deception, hot sweaty mansex. Throws out letter. Does huge bump of tina. Masturbates.

2:30 PM - Switches on TV. CNN, scandal. Fox News, scandal. Ooh! Steel Magnolias! Does huge bump of tina.

4:00 PM - Wife gets home from lawyers, locks herself in bedroom. Pleads at the door for forgiveness. Gets none. Does huge bump of tina.

5:00 PM - Wife packs bags and leaves with kids. Church officials won't return calls. Congregants won't return calls. Relatives won't return calls. Friends won't return calls. Tricks won't return calls. Hookers won't return calls.

6:00 PM - Does huge bump of tina.

Senate Too Close To Call

According to today's NYTimes graphic, tomorrow's election is still impossible to call, regarding the possible return of the Senate to Democratic control. The House of Representatives appears to be securely moving to the Democratic side. Visit the Times site for a neat navigable-by-state assessment of all the races.

Comment Moderation

I've had to put comment moderation on, for the moment, as I'm getting slammed with a couple of hundred spam comments a day for the last few days. Their number has been steadily increasing for the last few weeks. I can't figure out their purpose, as all of the multiple links in each spam comment appear to be nonworking. Additionally, they seem to all hit posts that are at least several days old. I HATE COMMENT MODERATION. It stifles the lively conversations that are the hallmark of JMG. If I can't figure out a way to stop them, we may just have to live with the spam and I'll delete them as I can. My apologies.

UPDATE: New comments filter switched on. Please advise if your comments are not getting through.

UPDATE II: Not a single spam comment got through all day. Go Haloscan Beta!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Bah

Bah. Nothing like an entire weekend spent curled into a fetal position. I threw my back out at noon on Saturday while leaning across my desk to clean my computer screen. I never wreck my back doing normal back-wrecking things like moving furniture. No, I throw my back out by kicking my neighbor's Sunday Times out of the way on the front stoop, or by picking up a cat. Or by wiping off my computer screen. Thank Jeebus for delivery or I'd have starved this weekend, I can't even put on shoes. I repeat, bah.